2/5 LEFT WONDERING
  by tony ray (santa monica, ca USA)
BEING AN AVID HORROR FAN I BOUGHT THIS MOVIE NOT EXPECTING TOO MUCH AND I
GOT WHAT I EXPECTED. CASPER VAN DIEN SEEMED UNABLE TO SHOW MUCH INTEREST IN
HIS ROLE BUT, HE WAS NOT ALONE. I GAVE THE MOVIE TWO STARS BECAUSE OF THE
TWO OUTSTANDING CHARACTER ACTORS IN THIS MOVIE, TONY PLANA, AND DANNY TREJO
WHO ARE ALWAYS WORTH WATCHING EVEN IN A PLASTIC MOVIE LIKE THIS. SAVE YOUR
MONEY THERE ARE A LOT BETTER B GRADE MOVIES OUT THERE. I'M LEFT WONDERING
HOW THIS ONE GOT RELEASED.

1/5 Awful. Worse than awful, maybe.
  by Robert P. Beveridge (Cleveland, OH)
Slayer (Kevin VanHook, 2006)

The most intriguing thing about Slayer is that it contains the least convincing fight scene since Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter. When that's the best thing you can say about a movie, it's pretty bad.

I realize that most of the top cast in here are pretty well-known for being bad actors. But was Lynda Carter always this awful, or does she just turn in the worst performance of her career? I don't think I've seen her in anything but commercials for twenty-five years or so, so I really can't remember. The horrible thing is that the rest of the cast is so bad that Carter's Razzy-worthy performance is about par for the course. In fact, the majority of this cast is so bad that they almost make the worthless Casper van Dien look good. Kevin Grevioux may actually be the worst actor I have ever seen in a movie. He desperately wants to be Ken Foree. He fails in every respect.

As for what passes for a plot in this farce: an army unit, headed by Hawk (van Dien) and Grieves (Grevioux), somewhere in the remote jungles of South America, is attacked by a band of vampires-- ninja vampires, no less-- who aren't afraid of daylight. (Daywalking is the only change to traditional vampire lore here, despite one vampire's assertion during the film that the "fairy tales" got almost nothing right.) Six months later, nearby villages are being raided, and the army's sending in fresh troops. Grieves is already in South America, and Hawk is on the next boat. You know what happens.

About the only reason to watch this movie is that Danny Trejo has a small role in it, and is his usual self. Otherwise, this movie is trite, badly-acted, badly-scripted, with little attention paid to such things as cinematography, set design, or costuming. In other words, there's absolutely nothing of substance to recommend here. I'm giving it half a star because it's not overtly offensive, but if you do see it, you'll end up thinking, "there's two hours of my life I'll never get back." (half)


2/5 SOMEWHAT BLOODY MESS
  by Michael Butts (Martinsburg, WV USA)
SLAYER is another one of those SCIFI CHANNEL's made for tv movies that's not really awful but offers nothing spectacular either. Notice how vampires in the new millennium can run around in the daylight, don't mind crosses and have also become cannibalistic..a nip in the neck isn't enough. This time the vampires have been hiding out in the Amazon rain forest but now that man is depleting the forests, they have to come out and eat humans for food. The typical rag-tag military group led by the dramatically challenged Casper van Dien try to rein in the vampires which now include van Dien's lifelong friend, an actor whose voice is lower than the Luray Caverns.
It's all pretty harmless and not very scary, but there's lots of gore and hissing vampires.
Fans of the genre will be pleased, but not overwhelmed.

3/5 Slayer... Man I miss Buffy
  by Julian Kennedy (St Pete Florida)


Slayer: 5 out of 10: Okay a Sci-fi original film staring B-movie maven Casper Van Dien? How good can it be? Well at least it is no Raptor Island or Chupacabra Terror (All hail Eris).

Actually, for an original Sci-fi channel film this is a reasonably good ride. Well at least the first half is reasonably good.

The film starts Predator style, with a team of marines in the Amazon battling vampires which are not affected by sunlight and rip old ladies in half. (This is actually the best scene in the movie.) Yes, I know they jump around like Circus de Soleil rejects and somehow the Russian twin acrobats from Octopussy were bitten and wandered onto the set.

Anyhow, Casper Van Dien gets back to the states and Linda Carter (Yes Wonder Woman is in this film and no she still can't act) sends Van Dien back to the jungle with a new team (his last team having become vampire chow) to kill the vampires and rescue his ex-wife. (No one actually cares that the natives are being slaughtered but one lost blond woman and the marines are called out.) Why is Van Diems ex-wife in a jungle infested with day walking vampires to begin with? Neither I ,nor as far as I can tell she, knows.

The vampires are now led by Van Diem's second in command (Kevin Grevioux at his gravelly voiced, over-sized best) and are using military tactics. This is surprising since both the fight scenes (and the vampires) actually become less effective.

The movies continuity also takes a large hit during the second half as characters apparently are using a Star Trek transporter to get from one location to another. (Prepare to be disoriented.) The less said about the pathetic ending monster the better (except it reminded me of Raptor Island and Chupacabra Terror).

One last note to the screenwriter. If the bad guy is going to have a flowery speech about how encroaching civilization is causing the vampires to attack perhaps it would be wise to show something (an idle bulldozer or maybe some condos going up on the river) at any point during the film to make the ridiculous politically correct speech less laughable.

5/5 WATCH IT NOW.
  by Helen Beemon (Michigan)
THIS MOVIE IS FULL OF AWESOME-SAUCE. Seriously. The only issue I have with it is the gross misuse of Ray Park, who obviously owns at everything. Don't hold back, Ray! Don't hold back. (It's ok, baby... I still love you.)

NEXT PARAGRAPH.

I watched this with my boyfriend and we had super fun poking fun at it, fun. Don't go into watching it thinking it'll be a beautiful piece of cinematic art; it's not. It's just awful graphics, bad gore, cheesy lines, bad accents, unnecessary (awesome) flips and cartwheels... The type of movie that 'Mystery Science Theater 3000' is made up of. It's one of those movies that is awesomely bad. Watch it with friends, bond, be awesome together! *punch dance*