2/5 Hilarious if you're drunk or a 15 year old boy
  by Siskell and Eggbert
It's an ages old love story. You know...one where a short man standing on a box wearing an ape suit with big saggy boobies rips local yokels limb from limb.

First off, the cover art on the dvd is just a bit deceiving. That thing is actually a tad scary, whereas our big boobied sasquatch wouldn't scare a shy three year old.

The movie basically consists of several scenes of "carnage." A twenty-something couple gets stopped by sasquatch (BBS) while driving along a country road. BBS rips the guys arm off and then throws it at the girl killing her too. Light weights!

Then BBS attacks two fishing rednecks. Dave (the writer, director, producer, idiot) has his heart ripped out and shoved in his mouth. Again..BBS rips his arm off and flings it at his friend.

The movie continues with more mayhem and leg and arm ripping. Fun fun fun!

Some crazy broad in a squaw outfit realizes it's her destiny to stop this angry, mean and funny BBS. She and a local newspaper writer hook up to take him on. Local newspaper moron's mother is wonderfully unintentionally hilarious. Of course she's played by the writer, director, producer, idiot's actual mother. She even sings the theme song at the end. It's hauntingly beautiful....if you're smoking crack. Otherwise it pretty much sounds like a cat caught in a revolving door.

Even though there is more chemistry between BBS and the crazy indian broad, of course the movie ends with the dumb duo of squaw and newspaper reporter beating BBS and living happily ever after.

Or do they????????

My advice? Go get a case of beer, invite a few simple-minded friends over and rent the dvd. You can even turn the sound down and make up your own dialogue. It has to be better than the real stuff.



3/5 "You Can't Have A Magical Beast Without Magical Weapons."
  by Robert I. Hedges
"Suburban Sasquatch" is the work of auteur Dave Wascavage, who reveals in the extras that this film is intended to be a more commercial film with a larger audience than his previous efforts. After viewing this movie, I am extremely dubious. The film was made on a shoestring by a group of family and acquaintances, and is stunningly cheap. I have praised J. R. Bookwalter's early efforts (e.g. "Chickboxer") for their extremely low budgets and ridiculously campy (but entertaining) results: Wascavage should aspire to make something as good as "Galaxy of the Dinosaurs". The problems with "Suburban Sasquatch" are to numerous to list, but the big ones center on a terrible concept and script, horrible acting, the most amateurish CGI I have ever seen anywhere, and a bigfoot with cleavage and mange. This is the worst bigfoot I have ever seen: the color of fur on his hands comes nowhere close to matching the rest of his suit, his chest is laughable at best, and his suit fits like a bag. Top that off with a horrifying roar that sounds like a vacuum cleaner ingesting an enormous wad of cat hair, and you have the suburban skunk-ape in question. In case you are wondering, the art on the cover of the DVD looks nothing like what you will see in the film.

The film starts with an unlikable couple driving to a party in the woods, when they are attacked and mutilated by bigfoot. I presume Wascavage thought he would be saving money and time by using CGI for the blood effects as he dismembered the couple (and everyone else he got to), but the gore effects are cartoonish at best, and would have embarrassed Ed Wood. This opening horror leads us to a shaman father bestowing mystical powers on his Native American daughter, Talla (Sue Lynn Sanchez in full Pocahontas garb), to hunt the beast ("the honor of the tribe rests with you"). To say they are not Native American is a gross and obvious understatement, and their babble about nature and mysticism is torturous. At the same time a crusty editor is chewing out a would be reporter, Rick (Bill Ushler), about his writing in what could be the most incoherent argument ever put on film.

After an idiotic soccer Mom fights off bigfoot with a broom, Talla runs around with a bow and arrow with glowing crystals in the arrowheads. When she shoots the arrows appear to be nerf, though they draw ridiculous gouts of CGI blood from bigfoot. Don't miss the boulder throwing scene when Talla first meets her worthy adversary. After bigfoot escapes the volley of arrows, he pursues the two stupidest women in screen history in their SUV who are driving around a new suburban neighborhood and can't find their way out. They feel like they are being pursued by something, but don't know what or actually see anything identifiable, so they make the worst excuse for a 911 call in history before being attacked by bigfoot through their sunroof. The resulting attacks are quite horrific, almost as horrific as Ro-Man's brutal attack in "Robot Monster". All this gets tenderfoot reporter Rick abuzz about the police cover up of the bigfoot case, so he goes looking for a source (no points for guessing who he finds). We soon learn why bigfoot is so hard to track: he can make himself invisible at will.

When Rick and Talla join forces, it's an inevitable screen romance budding, but the tensions are high. Meanwhile in the police station one officer is explaining to another why he can't reveal the bigfoot problem to the public: you see his wife was abducted in a flashback when they lived in Oregon, and Sasquatch has now pursued him to "Northeast America". This secrecy and cover up are not well explained, and don't stop him from allowing a bunch of rednecks to form a posse and go varmint hunting. Bigfoot's bloody rampage continues at an auto shop that is inexplicably equipped with a fog machine. This occurs at about 55 minutes into the film, and the next seven minutes may well seem like the longest of your life, featuring what may be the worst effects of the film, a shot of bigfoot's big feet which look almost exactly like giant fuzzy slippers, and finally a summoning of CGI birds attacking bigfoot that will make you laugh so hard you'll cry.

As the rednecks go bigfoot hunting (who goes hunting with a pistol?), bigfoot has other ideas about their fate. Despite the ridiculous CGI muzzle flashes from the redneck weapons, bigfoot has not yet begun to fight, and visits the home of a woman and her son who are behaving like no other mom and son have ever behaved. Resist the temptation to gouge your eyes out, and just focus on the acoustic tiles of the basement set until the horror is past. This action culminates in a confusing sequence in Rick's grandmother's house where Talla is attacked by bigfoot, but Rick grabs her quiver and shoots bigfoot in the heart with a crystal-tipped arrow making him scream, then be electrocuted, then burst into a fireball, then vanish (somehow). While Talla is seemingly killed in the bigfoot duel (despite showing no visible signs of injury), Rick takes her to her tent and teaches himself some magic, and using his made up magic and his love, revives her. To complete the scene he psychically summons some crows, which, while inane, is better than the terrible closing dialogue about Rick and Talla's futures.

The movie ends abruptly, but you aren't quite done yet: first make sure you don't miss the unbelievably bad closing theme, and please take the time to read the credits. You will note several amusing things (other than Dave Wascavage doing most of the work), including the credit telling you that the soundtrack is available for purchase, and this little gem: "Production Design for Carved Turtle...Wes Miller"! That was (literally) my favorite moment of the movie. I am not even joking. But wait, you still aren't done! There are many extras to wade through!

The extras include outtakes, a film about making and designing the bigfoot costume, a "CGI Special" (it's very short), a behind the scenes feature, and an interview with Dave Wascavage called "Director's POV". I liked the outtakes more than the footage used to make the actual film, and particularly liked when the golden retriever wanders into the scene to lick a dead bigfoot victim. That same dog stars in the feature about making the bigfoot costume. This is a hilarious few minutes of footage as the suit designer and movie principals talk about how the bigfoot suit "has to be believable" and "has to be totally, totally credible." That was easily the funniest part of this DVD. The CGI special explains how Wascavage did various CGI things. As I have said, the CGI in this movie is totally amateurish, and accordingly, the CGI special is only about two minutes long. (Seriously.) The "Behind the Scenes" bit brought the worst news possible: Wascavage is planning on making a sequel to "Suburban Sasquatch" which will explain more of bigfoot's nature. The "Director's POV" continues this theme and has Wascavage explaining that this isn't just a horror film, he intends it to have a "statement about life and humanity's pressing onward into nature". He takes this seemingly quite seriously, and ponderously intones that there's no real action-horror films that "has bigfoot at the center. I don't think there's really been anything out there that taps into that side of the market." Go ahead, pick your jaw up off the floor: I found this to be the most amazing statement I have ever heard in a filmmaking documentary. You're almost done now: just don't forget to watch the "Suburban Sasquatch" trailer for a good chuckle. Of course you could have just done that an hour and a half ago, and skipped the movie.

"Suburban Sasquatch" is an absolutely horrible movie. Do not watch it if you want to see a good movie, or be entertained in any positive way; also avoid it if you want to be scared. I thought it must be a spoof at first, but after hearing Wascavage drone on about its metaphysical underpinnings and subtexts, I have to take it as an exercise in unintentionally hilarious camp. I am still unsure what star rating to give it: on a conventional scale it would get something in the high negative numbers, but for lovers of truly bad movies with high camp value, this film has some redeeming qualities by virtue of it having no conventionally good attributes. I give it three stars, all for the cinematic cheese factor.

1/5 Beware!...
  by Bindy Sue Frønkünschtein (under the rubble)
The idea for SUBURBAN SASQUATCH must have come from someone watching SHRIEK OF THE MUTILATED and saying, "I can do far, far worse than this!" Yep, we get the guy in the ratty go-rilla suit lumbering around somebody's neighborhood causing mayhem. Now, I love low to no-budget films, as long as they A)- have some sort of plot and B)- are not boring. Well SS has a "plot" that is only an excuse to run around the neighborhood in said go-rilla suit, and is so stultifyingly, annoyingly dull that you'll require long needles stuck in your armpits to keep you awake! On the upside, this movie is also available on DECREPIT CRYPT OF NIGHTMARES...

3/5 Must have been fun to make
  by R. Beach
What does a young man having a crisis of faith and a bad combo-over, a woman in an 80's fringed skirt from the Gap posing as an Indian, and an ape suit with the largest areolas ever seen have in common? They are the stars of "Suburban Sasquatch". It would be a really bad movie, except it looks like it was so much fun to make.

1/5 Who bought their kid a video recorder
  by Avery Houskeeper (Sandy, Utah United States)
Suburban Sasquatch
This DVD was terrible. It is as if a 10 year old and his friends wrote and produced this movie.DONT WASTE YOUR MONEY LIKE I DID MINE.