1/5 Dopey Was Scarier
  by Paul Ess. (Holywell, N.Wales,UK.)
This one's an absolute classic!
Joan Collins plays an ex-stripper married to a business high-flier (Ralph Bates with a tragic Italian accent.) who's baby is cursed by a lecherous, sleazy dwarf, (called 'Hercules'!) who's amorous advances she's rejected.

Consequently said child is a homicidal hulk who bites chunks out of people and eventually goes on a murderous rampage. Ralph is one of the first to go - bless him - hanging himself in the garden before conveniently disappearing (unfortunately he died in real life, before the film did !).

It's left to a nun, (not a priest see, that's to make sure we don't confuse this with 'the Exorcist'!) played by Dame Eileen Atkins,(who Colin Farrell apparently tried to seduce in a hotel room recently !) to finally do battle with the malevolent midget-spirit in a hilarious scene where he writhes round on a stage full of strippers, as the evil in the cot is excised (I'm not bothered about plot-spoilers on this one, surely none of you out there are daft enough to watch ?).

And what is it with dwarves and the supernatural anyway? I usually find a swift kick in the groin soon dispels any black magic on the stunted demonic front. And if they were made to wear numbers, like jockeys, we wouldn't have this trouble in the first place. (!)

For the sake of the God-help-us, review - Joanie looks great well into her 40's, suspenders and black-lace well to the fore, but she never convinced me for a second she could cut it up the 'dancing' pole.
Ralph Bates I felt really sorry for. Apart from his accent there's no reason for him to be in the film, and there's a cameo from sexiest-woman-in-the-universe (but lousy actress!) Caroline Munro, who's been inexplicably dubbed with a jellied-eels Barbara Windsor-style Cockney accent.
Donald Pleasence (and my heart went out to him as well) has a look of bereavement about him as he miraculously delivers his lines, as the child's cynical doctor.

The whole tawdry mess is (incredibly!) directed by Peter Sasdy - who did some good early 70's Hammer flicks including the best Dracula sequel: 'Taste the Blood of...' and the superb 'Hands of the Ripper', one of the studio's finest films, so what he's doing in the middle of this inexcusable dross-fest is a mystery on a par with the Marie Celeste.
Italian exploitation legend John Steiner ('Caligula' 'Salon Kitty' 'Cut and Run' etc.) plays a sleazy strip-club owner who gets to bed delicious Caroline. I HATED him for that and cheered loudly when he got his come-uppance.

It was the only cheering I could muster during a dreadful experience watching this travesty. I must confess I enjoyed writing this review - some kind of exorcism of my own perhaps..?

'I Don't Want to be Born' (and I was cursing my own mother after watching this one!) is a stink-riot of the highest order.
I can't describe it any better than that without phlegm...

1/5 Great film - terrible quality
  by Peter J. Mountford (Sydney, Australia)
This part-terrifying/part hilarious horror classic fascinated me as a child and I've been waiting for its DVD release for ages...
Imagine my disappointment when we settled down to watch it, only to discover it is of extremely poor quality. There has been no attempt at any kind of remastering, both the sound and particularly the picture quality is AWFUL. I had a VHS video-tape of better quality. This cult classic deserves much better treatment than this.